Sandman Sues

Yet another fake Crossover-Sue!!
I think pretend Crossover-Sues are going to be this week's theme, folks! Today's is a Harry Potter Crossover, and I bet you can't guess what the pairing is! I don't know what scared me more about this author's introduction: the fact that she starts not with her disclaimer or with a short summary but with her own self-proposed ( soundtrack ) for the fic, or the fact that she then decides that before getting down to the (thankfully short) story she should throw in a few completely unrelated ( quotes. ). Nothing, however, can top her none-too-gracious disclaimer:

"All character you recognize belongs either to JK Rowlins or whatever the hell her name is, Or Neil Gaiman."
Oh, no.
Oh, no no no no no. You did not, just do that, Suethor. Tell me you did not just do that.

STORY OR SERIES TITLE: Before I Wake (gags)
MORTAL AUTHOR: Altagracia (I'll give you *grace*, you little....)
FULL NAME: H... (I can barely say it) Hermione Granger (::dies::)
ENTITY TYPE: human witch
HAIR: not mentioned--pity, I'd love to have seen if it was movie!blonde or book!brown....
EYES: not mentioned--once again I am dissapointed!
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: none--no brains, no frizzy hair, no books, I keep on seeing her name everywhere, but where did Hermione go?
POSESSIONS: Professor Snape's Heart. (Awww. Isn't that realistic, children?)
PATHETIC ORIGIN: Hogwarts (sigh)
WEAK CONNECTIONS TO CANON: she's stolen the comatose schtick from Preludes and Nocturnes, only with a TWIST!! She must be healed out of her self-induced, not-quite-a-coma by LURVE!! GUESS WHOSE?!?!
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Manages to exist between the realms of ALL of the Endless instead of being stuck in any particular one. Also seems to be able to get away with trying to order Death around and being incredibly rude to Destiny. For some reason both the twins are nice to her and don't mess around with her at all.

NOTES: Rule number one when writing risky pairings in any fandom, is if you want people to take your 'fic seriously, always, always, always have a backstory. I've read cross-generational pairings in the Harry Potter fandom before, but this has to be the first one that just stuck Hermione and Snape together, without any warning or explanation, and expected the audience to overlook the twenty-three year age difference. Meanwhile, Hermione, for the most part, isn't. She seems to know things about the Endless that many people in Rowling's universe wouldn't, which could be explained with the insertion of a few book titles in the girl's memory, but aren't. There's also something intrinsically disingenuous about this Hermione!Sue... instead of making intelligent conversation or attempting to do something constructive in order to help herself and those around her she instead obstinately WANGSTS on about her tragic past in the war against Voldemort and how she had to see Ron and Harry die, boo hoo. She "doesn't want to live anymore", and she's "afraid to love", and only getting pep talks from ALL the Endless, WHILE being pampered bodily by her (former?) Potions Master, AND getting a kiss from Dream at the end can help her see "the truth." What's more, she doesn't even *act* like she's in a coma--she keeps on waking up to look at Snape while he's sleeping, and then going back to sleep of her own volition. That's not a coma that requires you to be carried around and bathed by someone else, that's a nasty case of depression.

SAMPLE THE WORST: Snape's diction (when he's speaking) is in character, but then the prose unexpectedly segues into ( bad!poetry.... )

SUE RATING FROM ONE TO TEN (ONE BEING OKAY AND TEN BEING AWFUL): 7/10
Her spelling, grammar, and lack of respect for Ms. Rowling who created Snape and Hermione by the way, explain why this Sue-thor has only one review.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Authority Zero--One More Minute

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